10/19/11

     Today Billy and I visited our friend, Ann and took her some vittles. She was in great spirits, as she always is and her faith is strong. She has been through so much and has much to go through before she can be declared cancer free. Ann is a precious lady who brings laughter, joy and Christian love where ever she is. She told us of her experiences thus far in her medical tests and time in the hospital. There have been many mistakes made, like someone coming to take blood and she sees someone else’s name on the order. They weren’t even supposed to be taking her blood. She got two prescriptions with the wrong name on them and had to wait over a week to get that corrected. She has to laugh about all this because the alternative is not the way she reacts to things that come into her life, be they good or bad. It is a lovely experience to be with her.
     She is the only person I told about a little problem I am having. You have heard about “survivors guilt.” I am actually experiencing some of that. In the doctor’s office I see people in wheel chairs, on crutches, ugly scares, loss of hair and people that can hardly walk. I sit there looking like I always have, experiencing no pain having gone through the little inconvenience that I have. Being around Ann made me feel even more of that because she has gone through a lot and has a long way to go. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because this is what God had given me for my experience, but I just don’t understand why. I’m not questioning why I went through what I did, but why I did not go through more like so many others have. I think I just feel so unworthy of this blessing and think someone like Ann should have had my experience. I have been feeling this way for awhile, but today it really hit me. I am going to have to pray about this. I am thankful for what God has done for me and I know it isn’t right to question Him. I need to get this straightened out in my head and heart. He will help me, I know.
     Don’t let me bring you down. I’m still loving the Lord and joyful in my walk with Him. I can’t praise Him enough. I just need a bigger platform to shout it from.
     Thanks for listening. Love to all.